Facing My Worst Fear
This blog will be very
different to any blog I’ve done so far, and I’ll probably never do one similar
again. This week I had to face my biggest fear, it happened to me so suddenly
that I didn’t have time to prepare myself for it. I had never allowed myself to
even think about it before because I couldn’t imagine it happening and me getting
through it. I’ll start from the beginning.
We had pets when I was
younger; a dog named Amy who died when I was around 4/5 so I was too young to
really be affected by it, and two guinea pigs, Snoopy and Eminem, who died when
I was 8, I was sad when they died but I was still too young to feel the full
force of death. I had badgered my parents for a pet constantly, as I imagine
most children do, but my mum knew all too well the heartbreak of losing a pet
and wouldn’t have any of it.
When I was 14 I lived with
my mum and my older brother. My mum came home one night in November with a tiny
kitten wrapped in a blanket. I’d never had a cat and I’d always been somewhat
scared of them, I knew they could scratch and bite in defence when you tried to
stroke them. My mum said his name was Hero and that she had found him, he had
been left to die after a family moved out of their home and left him behind. He
had been hurt before and he was left in an empty room in a box, both his water
and food bowls were empty. My mum knew she couldn’t leave him there and turn
her back on him so she scooped him up and brought him to us. As I mentioned
before, we had never had a cat and we didn’t have a clue on what to do. He was
petrified of us, and would hide under tables etc. We gave him tuna and milk
(such stereotypes), and one of my friends gave us a spare litter tray. I loved
him from the first night I met him, as soon as I looked into his giant eyes and
saw the terror he was feeling. I didn’t force him to cuddle me and I didn’t harass
him, I left him to run around our house as much as he liked. I would occasionally
try to coax him out by showing him love and happiness, and eventually he
softened towards me. We’d spend our nights tucked up on the sofa watching films
and I swear, I’ve never been so protective over anything in my life.
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| Hero, the night we got him |
He remained somewhat
frightened of strangers but always felt ok if me, or my family was around. We
tried to get him to play with toys, but he never did enjoy them. The first few
months was strange for me, I’d miss him when I went to school and would want to
remain with him. Throughout the years, we were inseparable when I was at home.
We’d sleep together – well, he’d sleep on my head, we’d share onesies, we’d
spoon whilst watching TV and he’d even accompany me on short walks. I loved
him, I loved him more than you could ever imagine loving anything or anyone in
this world.
After we’d had him for
a little while, he went missing. It was January and it had been snowing for a
few days. I was distraught. I couldn’t focus on anything and he’d never done
this before. We put up a poster in our local newsagents but before it was even
put up, my mum called me on my way to school to say he’d come home. The relief
and the happiness was second to none. Little did we know, he would continue to
play this trick on us a few more times.
He would wake me up at
4am to be let out, he’d harass me whilst I was cooking to feed him, he’d
scratch at my boobs as he laid on me, he’d have the worst smelling food, but I
swear to God, I adored every fibre of that cat. He would grow up to have a
kitten with next door’s cat, and watch over his baby every day. He would get
minor injuries but still continue to fight off any strange cat that came in to
our garden. He would even lose a few teeth along the way. He would always be my
brave little man.
Not long after my 18th
birthday, I became seriously ill. My health deteriorated to the point where I
was bed bound and could barely stay awake for longer than 30 minutes a day. I
remained seriously ill for months and for a long time, the doctors were unsure
that I’d even survive, never mind carry on education (especially a degree) or
be independent. It was terrifying and it was a lonely time. But by my side the
whole time was Hero. From when I came home from the first doctor’s appointment
to when I finally ate my first meal after months of no food whatsoever, to when
I could walk without passing out, he was there through it all with me. The
incredibly short amount of time that I spent awake each day was spent with him
in my bed. He knew I wasn’t well, and he stayed with me.
I became interested in
animal welfare issues which stemmed from my love for Hero. I felt a sense of
protection against animals and he inspired me to become vegetarian and to
really think about the impact I have on animals as a whole. I stopped buying
products tested on animals and I became involved in animal rights. I knew Hero
wasn’t the first abused pet, and I sadly knew he wouldn’t be the last.
I have been obsessed
with Hero since I could remember, and I had loved him wholeheartedly since we
met. I took endless photos and videos of him, that to anyone else was boring
drivel. Everything he did was amazing to me. Nothing and no one ever compared
to Hero, no family member, no friend, no boyfriend, no one. Hero and I knew
each other inside and out. He was there when I was sad, and I knew when he was
down.
Just last Saturday, 15th
July, I visited home. I wasn’t planning to do so, it was a random visiting. I
knew as soon as I saw him that he wasn’t well. My mum had mentioned that he was
drinking more than usual and eating less but we put it down to how hot it had
been. I booked a vet appointment as soon as I could on Monday. That evening we took
him to the vets where she told us he had severe dehydration. He had blood tests
done for all of the major organs/illnesses it could be. Half an hour later, we
had a call to say the blood tests indicated that it was his kidneys, and we had
to get him to the hospital for 48 hours where he would remain on a drip. The
morning after they called me to say he had perked up, and was eating. My mum
and I were so happy, and so relieved.
At lunch time, the vets
called again to say he had taken a turn for the worst. His only hope was a blood
transfusion and even that might not be enough. I can’t put into words how
heartbroken and devastated I was. I swear, I could feel my heart breaking. I
felt so hopeless, so heartbroken, and there was nothing that I could do. They
said if he didn’t improve within a few hours, then nothing could be done.
Waiting for that call was heart-wrenching. Eventually it came, and his health
had continued to decrease. We had to go and say our goodbyes.
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| Our last photo together, at the vets, waiting for his final tests |
Think of every connotation under the sun for heartbroken, and that was me. The drive to the vets felt like the longest in history. My heart hurt and my brain felt numb. I couldn’t fathom what I had to face. I didn’t know how to say goodbye. When we arrived, he perked up, he was all over us and even eating his favourite treats. He was himself again. I was so confused and so happy, how could nothing be done when he was so like himself again? The vet said he had never seen this happen before, and we asked for further tests to be done so we could be sure. That half an hour in which we waited was the most precious thirty minutes I’ve ever had. I hugged Hero, I kissed him, I played with him, I told him I loved him over and over again. The tests came back marginally better but it wasn’t enough. If we didn’t say goodbye now, we’d only have to in the morning – if he pulled through for that long. We’d been at the vets now for around an hour and a half when we had to say goodbye. In this time, he had started to tire, and became weak again. It was clear that he had used his last burst of energy to say goodbye to us, and to hide his illness from us.
I held his paw the
whole time, and I spoke to him throughout it. My brother was on holiday and so
I facetimed him so he could also say goodbye. I stayed with him for around
10-15 minutes after he’d gone. He looked like himself again. He looked so
perfect. We’d been at the vets for around 3-4 hours overall.
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| My brother and Hero |
Within 24 hours of
going to the vets, we had found out we had to say goodbye. As I sit writing
this, a week ago today, I didn’t have a clue what I was about to face.
I know a lot of people
have seen what I’ve been going through and think of me as overreacting or say ‘it’s
just a cat’. You see, the people with that attitude are the same people that
can’t connect the meat they eat with a dying animal, the same people that cry
at Blackfish but will take their children to SeaWorld. He wasn’t just a cat to
me, if a family member of yours died no one would say ‘they were just a human’.
I hope for those that can’t empathise with me, that they never have to. I hope
you never have to go through the heartbreak and the utter devastation that I
had to face. I loved Hero, I still do, and you could never begin to imagine
what I’m going through. I feel lost without him, I feel as though a chunk of my
heart has been ripped out and it’ll never fully repair. I have lost family
members, ones very close to me, but this could never compare. I had feared this
day for a long time and for it to happen within 24 hours is something I could
never describe.
I love him, I love him
so so much. I would’ve done anything to save him, I’d have given every last
penny I had, I would’ve switched places if I could. There is a void in my life
now, and it’ll never go away. I don’t want to be happy without him here, I don’t
want to carry on my life as normal because it isn’t normal anymore. I have
loved animals so passionately for so long, I have cried when seeing roadkill,
when seeing an animal I’ve never seen before, has died. To lose something so
precious to me is indescribable.
He was the best thing
that ever happened to me. We saved his life, but in many ways he saved mine. To
carry on with life is hard, to pretend he never existed or as though my heart
hasn’t been shattered into a million pieces is too much.
Eventually, I’ll look
to rescue a cat from a shelter, but right now, my heart isn’t prepared. Please,
always adopt. Don’t profit the pockets of a breeder. There are so many mini
Heros looking for a home and love.
I want to thank all of
the vets that looked after Hero, but especially David at The Park Vet Group in
Glenfield. You were so sweet and so kind. I couldn’t have wished for a better
vet to look after him.
I want to thank all of
my friends and my mum’s friends for doing everything you could to help us, and
for looking after us both.
I want to thank James,
you’ve helped me through the darkest time of my life, and you never fail to
keep me going.
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| Hero joining in with James and I |
I want to thank my mum.
We helped each other get through this, and we continue to do so. Both of our
hearts broke together and we somehow managed to keep going. We never gave up
hope and we never stopped fighting for him.
 |
| My mum and Hero |
Hero, my baby, I love you. I will never not miss you, and my heart will never not hurt. I wish I could’ve saved you. I’m so sorry. You meant the world to me, no one could ever understand just how much I adored you. You were too good for this world. Heaven needed a furry angel and there was no better than you. I love you, sleep tight.
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